Beta 2

1650!! We are very excited. Unfortunately we had to celebrate in the hospital with my dad. On Christmas eve he came to visit and looked terrible. I'm a nurse so I immediately knew something was up when his legs and abdomen were swollen and he was having shortness of breath. Long story short his heart is in very bad shape. He gets this from a lot of years of treating his body like crap. He is a uncontrolled diabetic who never goes to the doctor has uncontrolled hypertension, and now his heart is only working at about 30%. He will go for a cardiac cath tomorrow and may need to be flown out to Johns Hopkins. Fortunately, because of my pregnancy, (yes I pulled out do it for your grandchild) he is getting medial attention he desperately needs. They said he could have dropped dead any day. SO, this Christmas has been very bitter sweet. I'm definitely concerned about the stress this puts on my pregnancy. But to day was a good and reassuring day. My dad was happy. He did make the comment if anything happens to this pregnancy he will blame himself. I know for a fact it won't be his fault and I'm almost more worried about how he will react then myself if something terrible does happen to the baby. I'm praying for a speedy recovery for my dad and many years with his grandchild(ren)!

Merry Christmas TO US!!!!

302! 302! my friends. What you ask, does that mean? Wel1 that means I'm KTFU! I've got a bun in the oven. God (and our RE) gave us the very best Christmas present we could ask for. I wish I had the self control to not tell people, especially because I'm under no illusion this means 9 months from now I'll have a baby. I know we have a lot of hurtles to get over, but for this minute I'm living in the moment and pure joy of saying "I'm pregnant!"

We went into the deep dark layer of hell we never go to.....the baby section. Except for now it is heaven. We just couldn't help ourselves. We were saying we are going to pick stuff like this and definitely not stuff like that. It was so friggin fun! DH said when he was at the mall he stopped and watch a pregnant lady on the carousel. At first I was like eew creeper, but he said he couldn't tell me what she even looked like. He was just fixated on the belly and daydreaming of things to come. How cute! I broke down and bought a belly band. I'm not going to lie, old body image issues die hard and I'm embarrassed of my growing belly. Mostly because I feel I shouldn't be showing anything. I know most of it is bloat. The only way I can describe it is I know it's belly fat and bloat but I just don't have the energy or ability to suck it in quite like I used to. I feel like I've done one to many ab workouts. I have been feeling a lot of pulling and stretching of which I'm told is ligament pain.

We told my SIL and MIL today. We will tell my parents on Xmas. IL live in Maine so we didn't want them to find out through the grape vine. Plus his family could really use some good news. We lost his dad this year to cancer and it has been a craptastic year since then for them. They needed this. We told my MIL we mailed her xmas presents up but there was one we couldn't give her until August. She said oh that's fine (totally didn't click) My husband says mother..... then it clicks. We laughed, we cried. She thanked us! She really needs something to look forward to.

I'll be telling my parents via a picture frame that says grandchild and pictures of the pee sticks. I'm sooo excited to see my mom's reaction.

I'm scared to death we are jumping the gun by telling people. I'm a planner though so my back up plan is to designate one person in each family and my boss at work to send out a email to let the masses know something bad happened and we don't ever want to talk about it. I know that probably sounds depressing but I have to be prepared for the worse and hope for the best.

4 Weeks
Symptoms:  fatigue, ligament pain, fatigue, random nausea, did I mention fatigue
Best moment this week: Getting that number. I was hoping for something in the 100s so 302 was amazing! 
Food cravings: Pizza. I've literally ate it every damn day for a week.  
What I miss: There really isn't much. OK that's not true, I miss having days off from when I was stimulating. 12 hour shifts are really hard!
What I am looking forward to:  Telling my parents! It was great to tell my MIL and SIL but I can't wait to tell my mama. Is it weird I hope she cries lol
Next Appointment: Next tuesday for beta 2
Milestones: Well I think we have hit one major milestone in becoming pregnant. I honestly never thought it would work. I don't think our RE did either. When our nurse told her she couldn't figure out who she was talking about. I know she knows who we are, I just think she didn't think it was possible. God works miracles!

Can we say bloat!!! But I'm not complaining. Bloat makes baby :)

The evidence

I still can't believe this is happening. I look at these little guys several times a day. Hubby says he makes more frequent trips to the bathroom to look too. Beta is Thursday and I have to get it drawn at work (I work at a hospital.) It will be soooo hard not to look up the results, especially because they are written stat. But I want to be home and listen to the message with my main squeeze. Until we got the YES on the digital I don't think he really thought it was real. Now that I've accepted it my mind, I'm finding it hard to not drop it in a conversation. I almost spilled the beans to my mom last night but I want to wait until Christmas. I have told some people at work. They all know what has been going on and it's harder to lie to people you see everyday. Plus there are certain kinds of patients I can't take anymore (oh darn!) I think morning sickness might already be starting to kick in. I'm not throwing up or anything but I'm definitely a little more queasy than normal. I have a wicked sensitive stomach so just thinking about getting sick makes me sick. Bring it on baby(ies)!!! Mama is just so glad you are here I'll throw up for the whole 9 months if that's what you want. We love you already!!

They are definitely darker in real life. I'm now 13dp3dt and haven't peed on anything since 11dp. I'm getting the urge :) Walmart here I come!!

Marking my territory

I'm peeing on everything! Let me explain...
The last few days, I won't lie, I've been close to the edge of that deep dark place all infertiles go as they prepare for the loss of yet another failed cycle.  There are no words in the English language to describe the pain of a loss of something that was never there. Needless to day I was a Debbie downer. I made the decision to start POAS (peeing on a stick for you non infertiles). So I started about 2 or  3 days after ET. I wanted to insure if I ever say 2 lines it wasn't my trigger shot. Well needless to say I was getting pretty used to seeing the all to familiar lone line.....until last night.
Hubby had to work late so we were going to grab a bite to eat when he got home. I of course was in a pity party on the couch and could barely gain the strength to get up.  He called when he was about 5 minutes away. So, marking my territory, I went and POAS. I made a conscious effort not to look at it. I set it on the counter, went and fed the dogs, let them out, filled their water bowel and got ready to go. I was going to look at it before I left and throw it away somewhere secretive so the DH didn't know of my secret. I felt like a drug adict hiding my stash. HOLY SHIT!!! I went in to see it. My eyes bugged, I held it at every angle possible, but there was NO denying there was a second line.  Just as I looked at it I heard DH petting the dogs at the fence.  Like a crazy person I ran, not walked, R-A-N outside waving a stick still wet with urine screaming Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, and ran back inside, then back outside.  I swear I could see DH holding his breath. He said he doesn't even remember coming through the gate. I swear I will NEVER forget that look on his face! We got to have our moment like any other normal person. It was a complete surprise, spur of the moment POAS. Needless to say we floated to dinner. Giggled the whole time. Went and got more sticks to pee on. And BLARED Queen's "Under Pressure" the whole way home. I'm under no illusion this means we will have a baby in 9 months. I'm more scared now then I have ever been. BUT that was by far the happiest night of my life!!!!

This AM I POAS again (of which I will continue to do every morning until beta day 12/22) and by God the line is still there. Just a shade darker but still there. I of course am up at 0430 googling everything pregnancy related.

Like I said, I know there is many miles to go. But for now, I'm taking the simple pleasure in seeing my very first second line. I am hoping and praying every minute that the line gets darker and we get good numbers. I feel like we have taken the first step to climbing Mount Everest, but we're not at the bottom any longer baby!!

I fully expect to come home from work today and see my best friend, the best man I know, mah baby daddy, surrounded by baby clothes he has been waiting to buy for 4 years. I'm so blessed!

ET

Today was the first ET I didn't cry in. I will be honest, I have been a debbie downer for the last couple days...i'll give you a time line
Sunday- egg retrieval 16 eggs retrieved. I felt GREAT!
Monday- my RE called with first FERT, only 7 fertilized. I'll be honest I was shocked. We had ICSI so I thought more would fertilized. Hence my debbie downer phase begins. I talk to the RE about possible day 3 transfer instead of day 5. I was terrified we wouldn't have any left by then. She agreed to re-evaluate Tuesday night.
Tuesday- my nurse calls, we already lost one embryos and the ones left were barely dividing at this point. Later that evening I spoke with the RE, by that point we had one 5 cell, one 6, brand the rest were 2-4. My hope was a little restored. I was hoping that 5 cell was our take home baby. RE agreed to do day 3 ET with 3 embryos. YAY!!! For some reason I just think this gives them the best chance being in the mother ship!
Wednesday- ET. Hubby and I decided to go have a nice lunch and do a little xmas shopping (which was so fun and kept my mind off of things AND i had the best mac and cheese of my life!) I went to acupuncture before (And after) and had the ET at 4pm.  The doctor was a little weird. He sounded like the guy on roller skates from austin powers. This was the first cycle where we got good news at the ET. My hubs and I were in good spirits and joking and laughing while waiting. So they Doc came in and talked to us about our embies. We still had a total of 6. We transferred one 11cell and two 10 cells. At first the Doc said they don't grade anymore!?! But after he left I asked the embryologist to come back and explain the quality. She said they were all "good." I of course said define good! She said they were like a grade A. They were dividing well and had no fragmentation. Which seems awesome! I'm cautiously optimistic. The only negative was the doctor came in and said "I know you have talked to dr. E and decided to transfer 3. So you know the risks and agree to reduce if you get pregnant with multiples." ERRR hold the phone pal. No I did not agree to that. Yes I'm aware of the risks but I will definitely not be reducing anything! My RE is aware of all of this. Fortunately after showing me some reading material he was satisfied and did the transfer. I don't know what the Hell he was doing down there but I've never had such a painful ET. It felt like he had some of my lady bites pinched. I left a mark on my hubbys hand from squeezing.
SOOO.....Now my 3 amigos are in the mother ship. I'm praying to God for some baby dust, sticky vibes, all of the above. I will be happy with 1,2,or3. I won't lie I am afraid of 3 just because of the complications but what a blessing anything would be. Again, it's in God's hands!

Here are my 3 amigos! Can't wait to meet you babies!

I will be anxiously awaiting my 1st Beta 12/22. But I will be POAS starting Friday!

Sweets

I'm so lucky to have such a great hubby. The other night I was sitting on my permanent perch... the couch. He came over with his lap top, sat down and said listen to this song it made me think of you. When I heard the first few lyrics I was like wha? but then it gets better. IF sucks but I could not have asked for a better person to go through this hell with.

Not the official video but you get the idea :)

We did our trigger at 230am!!! We are scheduled for the transfer Sunday at 230pm. Sunday we will make a baby! I really want to take this one home and make the best man I know a daddy.

Pulling the trigger!

Oh yea baby! Today is the day I get my ass shot! Sunday my hubby makes love to the cup and we head in and make a baby with our RE. Hopefully we make several beautiful babies! I went for bw/us today and had several mature eggs, I think the count is up to 13 measured mature. I decided I wasn't going to obsess over all the numbers this time so I'm just going off memory. It's funny that whenever my husband and I talk about this, we always refer to the pregnancy in the plural form i.e. if this works the babies will be here by august. I have always felt like if this happens for us we will have multiples. I know there is complications with multiples and I lose sleep over thinking about if we do get multiples how we would manage, would I go on bed rest, how will I configure the cribs in the small only other bedroom we have and on and on. But last cycle I had the most vivid dream about having two twin girls with bright red flower bows in their hair. They even had names, Ella and Melanie. It was such a vivid dream I woke up and actually had to tell myself they were not here it was just a dream. My dreams to God's ears! I cry when I start to think about my husband with kids, especially daughters. No one will love them more then their daddy. I am more optimistic right now than I have ever been on this journey. I hope my optimism manifests into reality. How sweet to get a BFP the day before Christmas. My mom said the other day "'m using my Christmas miracle wish for those babies." She even thinks of them pluraly! Having said that I will take what ever God gives me. I know one day I'll be a mother so I'm putting my trust in Him.

Don't want to scramble my eggs

I have been feeling so well this stim that I thought I might partake in cleaning my horrible filthy house. I have to admit I haven't dusted in 2 weeks. Don't judge me! Between the dog and the nephew and the ovaries and the job, dusting has been pretty low on the priority list. But when I saw my husband write I love you in dust on the tv I knew it was time. Some girls like diamonds, I thought it was adorable that while looking at our nasty house he thought to tell me he loved me. It was from two days ago too and I just noticed it today. I have to give the hubster credit. The poor guy has been working, going to school full time, taking care of boston, tolerating my insanity, and waiting on me hand and foot. The last two nights he made an emergency run for kit kat bars. Some may think writing in dust is a little insensitive but its just another reason why I love him. And thus I cleaned! I fear I may have over done it though. I only got the main level done but between dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, and washing the hardwood floors I have some aching ovaries. I also got crazy nauseous! Like didn't want to eat nauseous and I usually don't miss a meal. Fortunately I parked it on the couch since 2pm, husbands orders, and feel much better......just in time to go to bed. I wasn't sure what to do with the sharp pain in the lower abdomen. I was scared to use a heating pad but my homies over on thebump.com assured me it was ok. I still skipped, basically because I didn't want to walk up the stairs to get it. Sad but true.

On another note, forewarning I'm going to be bitching for the next paragraph, WTF victoria secret models. How is it even natural to have that body after a baby adriana, meranda, and alessandra (yes i'm ashamed i know them by name but i read alot of usweekley) One of lifes little injustices. They are built like brick shit houses, sleep next to the likes of orlando bloom, AND have babies, lest we forget the paychecks. I felt like busting out my p90x and dusting it off. But lets face it, I got winded wiping my kitchen counters today, so I'm thinking plyo is not in my future for a while. And I welcome it along with a big fat, stretch marked belly, dimpled ass, and heartburn that comes with pregnancy. But G don't think for a second I'll be looking remotely like those freaks of nature post pardumly.... or ever for that matter! Cellulite and stretch marks are sexy right?

On to the cycle update.... Day 100 of stims (if you haven't noticed I have a flare for the dramatics) My E2 was in the 1700s (i still cannot believe this!) I had 2 16s and a 15.5. The rest were 11-14s. I think the count today was 18. It changes every day based on who's doing the ultrasound though so who knows what will get on ER. In tomorrow for another BW/US and hoping I get my 3 18s. They drooped my gonal to 75, kept the menapor at 75, and 10 of lurpon tomorrow morning. I can neither confirm or deny I may have given myself a unit or two extra of Goanl. Who knows if it will help but I'd really like to trigger tomorrow! I'm most definitely coming down with west nile....or just a cold. Either way I have that chesty feeling that no doubt will be followed by sneezing, coughing, sore throat. And guess what! I can't take anything. Yippie! Ok well I can take Tylenol but whippie friggin doo. Who knew one day I'd be hoping to get shot in the ass but here I sit hoping tomorrow is the day. Bring it on 22 gauge inch and a half needle. You and my ass have a date!

What a difference a cycle makes

I am still dumbfounded. This has been the most positive experience with IVF I've had yet. My e2 level was 1200s. I think I've mentioned before I was i the 4000s at this point last cycle. I put in the previous post my follies. I'm still in shock. I will probably not overstim. Thank ya Jesus!! My meds are the same as they have been the whole cycle. They FINALLY know me!! I don't want to put the cart before the horse but hopefully the positiveness of the cycle passes on to a BFP.  I told the nurse today that I was about to pass out because this cycle has been so great. She said well hopefully this will roll into a nice healthy pregnancy. Amen to that sista. I'm so happy because we are planning on definitely transferring as many as they will let us and if I'm not overstim I'm not as worried about multiples. I am so putting the cart before the horse. I hope I don't regret this but.....I think this might be our time!! I have made the executive decision to test every day of my 2WW. I know it sounds insane but I want to test our of the HCG trigger and keep my sanity. I just can't take the thought of waiting for 2 weeks. My theory is I'd rather test and know and have time to mourn then not test and get my hopes up and coming crashing down. I have been there all to often. I even did what I promised myself I wouldn't do. I googled my due date. It seems I like to punish myself. But if all works out I'll have my dream come true by August. Please God I'm putting my hope and trust in you!

Update

Thanks to my insomnia I gave my blog a face lift. I'm not as computer savy as I'd like so it ain't fancy but I like it better :)

Went in for bw/us this am. I did some growing over the last two days. On the right I have 9 follicles, 6 of which are measurable. 10.8 (1) 11s(3) 23.5 (1) and a biggen 14.8. On the left I have 12 follicles, 7 of which are measurable. 11s(2) 12s(3) 13.6 (1) and 14.7.  For the non-IF we are lookin or 3 >18mm for trigger. I go back tomorrow morning. I'm doubtful that tomorrow will be the day but hopefully Thursday I can trigger for a Saturday ER (egg retrieval.) Saturday or Sunday would be great so G doesn't have to take any more time off work.

I'm super excited about this cycle. I have been far less uncomfortable than in the past. I have maintained the same dosage the whole time (so I feel like they finally know my body) I don't feel wicked stressed. I hope this is IT! I'm scared to say it by I actually feel hopeful and positive which is something I definitely did not feel with the last one.

G says to me this morning (after I snapped at him for something stupid) are you going to be nice today? That would be a no! But I am trying if that helps. After the appointment I made him take me for a chicken biscuit from mcd's. It was not an option. The ovaries want what the ovaries want :) Shhh don't tell my acupuncturist.

Now I'm parking it on the couch and watching movies on this rainy day while enjoying my 5th liter of Gatorade in 3 days!

I suck at blogging

Well it's been a crazy couple weeks so I need to catch up. I started lupron a hundred years ago...ok well actually 3 weeks 5 days ago. Have I mentioned Lupron sucks ass! Then I started stims last sunday. Now to catch you up on the in between. A couple day after starting lupron my SIL and 2 yr old nephew go into the hospital as the same time. I'm the nurse of the family so I truck 2 hours to Delaware and stay for a couple days to help out. I come home for a day or two to work then head back. In the mean time my dad goes into the hospital with cardiac issues. By then my nephew was home and I was basically taking care of him all day. Talk about exhausted. With the combination of fertility meds and a two year old I could have slept for a month. My SIL was having complications RT pneumonia and the poor thing had to have 2 chest tubes placed. My brother was running in every direction possible. He's my baby brother (and my fav don't tell anyone) so I offered to take my sick nephew home with me. This kid is on more meds than my patients at work. He has severe asthma and was on 2 nebs a day (of which i had to provide a lolly pop flavor his choice of course just to get him to sit still long enough) on 3 po meds and a nasal spray. UGH it was work for 4 days. He is also a very particular kid and my dad has spoiled him rotten so there was no getting around his requests. So I had to rock him to sleep every night, of which usually took at least and hour and half. Having said that when I dropped him off to go back home I cried my eyes out the whole ride home. For four days I was the sole provider for another human. If not before I know now I HAVE to be a mother!!! Ain't no way around it.

Now as if that wasn't enough.... stage right comes Boston. Our first born, 87 lbs Bernese mountain dog. Love of my life (well at least 4 legged love of my life) The poor baby was diagnosed with a Mast Cell tumor and was scheduled for surgery 11/18. This was of course the weekend I had my nephew. So poor guy is on bed rest and has to be leashed to go potty. My loving, faithful, amazing husband bit the bullet and slept on an air mattress on the living room floor for 2 WEEKS!!!!!! So Boston wouldn't lick at his wound. Well needless to say it didn't work and his wound dehesed (i.e. split open) So we said ok this sucks but we'll get it restitched and everything will be fine. 400 bucks later, one turkey dinner and POP. G hears a pop while watching football thanksgiving. I of course am passed out on the air mattress because of a lupron headache and didn't hear a thing. Well back to the vet we go on Friday. They took all the stitches and staples out and had to let it heal by second intention i.e. fill in with scar tissue. Now he has to go in every other day for dressing changes.... no they are not free. Hopefully by the end of the week they can re stitch again. So the grand total is almost 2000 buckaroos. Love you Boston!

Now to the IVF world. Surprisingly this cycle has not totally sucked... up until yesterday. Hey I'm happy about this. I'm 9 days in, usually by day 4 I'm miserable. I go in this am for a blood work/ultrasound. Hoping for some follies in the mid teens. My e2 levels have been surprisingly low. But i'm a ok with that. No mr. OHSS for me please, I beg of you! I think because all of the other stress in my life I haven't been stressed about this IVF. This one feels so different. I don't even mind the shots. The only reason I'm cranky about it is because this damn headache that won't quite and insomnia (you BIOTCH) has reared it's ugly head. Hence the 0630 blog post. As far as US goes on sunday I had 7 measurable follies. Sure as shit beats to 20 or so I had last cycle. Name of the game this cycle was quality over quantity! Please God let this be the one.

I've been working this cycle to try and keep some of my sanity. Sitting at home for a month watching a baby story is equivalent to a strait jacket for and IVFer. Thank God i have the best manager in the whole wide world. She has been beyond understanding. I don't have to ask her for anything! So I've been on light duty, meaning I play pretend nurse. I don't have to take a 7 patient group. I'm doing mostly admin stuff, starting ivs, passing meds, hanging blood. Easy stuff. No diaper changes for me 400 pound dead weight man. No Not this week! Most people have been understanding and supportive. Just one bitch made the comment "oh i didn't know you had to be on light duty for that." Snarky whore. Sorry I cuss like a sailor. Yes, witch, I can't be lifting 400 lbs pts while you sit on your ass because I might rupture an ovary. Think that might hurt! Good thing she said this to me early in my stims or I would have stabbed her in her jugular with a dull pencil. Ok I probably wouldn't but ya never know with these meds. I clocked my husband for farting in my presence a couple days ago. I didn't even think about it, it just happened. Fart...Punch. That fast!

So I'm calling out of work today because I couldn't sleep and my pants don't fit.... but I'm just telling them I have a migraine (which isn't a lie it's just not the whole truth) The puppy dog is doing much better and we are sleeping in our own bed again, well G is sleeping in the bed i'm blogging because I can't sleep. I go for BW/US this morning and am praying for good numbers. Hopefully I'm getting close. I'm running low on gonal F and turns out by dog robbed me so I'd like to not have order more. And who wants to stim longer tan 13 days anyway.

I'll try to be more dedicated to blogging. I'm off work for 2 weeks now so I'll probably get annoying her soon.

you know you're tired when you fall asleep on  your dogs ass! Bobo's leg is the only Christmas decorating that will probably happen in my house this year. Feliz navidad

Good bye ice cream! We'll always have the memories

So I went to my weekly acupuncture appointment today. Because of my work schedule I had to have someone different then my usual girl. She started asking me all kinds of questions about my diet. Basically it boils down to.... I CAN'T FRIGGIN HAVE ICE CREAM! Why, you ask is this a big deal. Well my friends I'm addicted. I've had a love affair on a nightly bases since I was a wee chap in piggy tails. Apparently the ancient Chinese medicine people believe certain foods make your body hot or cold. During trying to conceive you want a hot body.  No am not referring to a hot in like Pamela Anderson, I'm talking hot like temperature. Sadly enough, turns out ice cream is in fact a cold foot. Also, I must limit my dairy intake to one serving. ONE SERVING! Bye bye my other love, cheese and milk.  How do I make a choice between cheese on my baked potato and my nightly chocolate milk? Not all things you would think are cold are in fact cold. For example wheat is cooling. But oats are warming. So confusing! I can't have any raw veggies or fruit either. All have to be cooked. Why do I even have a refrigerator right now? But, and this is a big BUT, I guess if there is a slight chance it could make a difference, you know I will comply. I may have to cheat though at least one a week with the ice cream. There is just no way under the sun with that much hormones coursing through my blood I will not eat a tub of ice cream in one sitting at least once in the next month. I think I might cry :) Oh and don't think for a second I will be telling anyone else about this other than the DH. I have enough judging going on around me. I don't want to fuel the fire with "hokey" (their words not mine) western medicine. Have I mentioned my life's career choice is in western medicine. They are very snooty about it being the end all be all. So I'll be focusing on my Qi from the inside. Hope it likes the warm, ice cream less, non dairy environment.

Count down until I start Lupron T-37 hours

How to be a supportive: For Dummies

Top ten things  NOT to do when your loved one is going through IVF:

10. We will come to you when we need you. I love that you are calling me everyday during my cycle to be supportive. It shows me you really care. But every time I have to tell the devastation's of today it breaks my heart a little more each time.

9. When I come to talk to you about...it will take awhile. Please don't hurry off the phone or try to change the subject. Believe me I wish I could keep this all to myself and I have been trying. So when I finally do bring it up, I'll have a lot to say.

8. I'm broke! All the extra money I have is poured into a child I don't have yet. How about we do diner at your house instead of out to a restaurant every weekend. I'm embarrassed I can't afford the things I used to and I will likely not tell you that. Just assumes my back account is always empty.

7. Please for the love of the good Lord, do not ask me to watch your child. I love them; I am happy for you and your family; yes they are beautiful and perfect. This is just salt in a wound and a constant reminder of what I don't have.

6. I can find my own people to relate to, you don't have to do it for me. I appreciate you want to help me and this is your way, but telling everyone we know that I can't have a child, and then those people coming to tell me there stories is down right EXHAUSTING!

5. I'm cranky; just get over it. If you had this many hormones running through your blood you may be tempted to lash out at the poor innocent cashier at the grocery store too. You pointing it out that I'm in rare for does not help.  I will rip your head off!

4. Don't make me feel bad for not giving you all the details.... then calling you in tears and making no sense. I kept things from you because it hurts to utter these words but sometimes, like a volcano, i simmer simmer simmer then EXPLODE! Shut your mouth and open your ears.

3.Please forgive me if I cry in the bathroom at children's birthday parties and baby showers and basically sound just down right hateful when I see other people's happiness. How's a bout a little more salt in that wound.

2. For the love of God, D-O N-O-T say JUST KEEP TRYING. I will hunt you down! If it was that simple don't you think I would have tried it already. oh and DON'T WORRY is also off limits. It is so beyond condescending. and that's all I have to say about that

1. When and if this does happen for me, Yes, I expect the world to revolve around me and my growing belly for a while. So please, even of someone else in the family is pregnant, give me a little extra love. I waited a long LONG times for this. If it doesn't and I move on to adoption, don't act shocked and please refer again to rule number 2.

Thanks! I know you love us and you truly want this for us. Follow our lead on this supportive thing, we will let you know what we need. Often times open ears and closed mouths is all it takes. I'll be a bad friend for a while but this is the true test of our friendship/relationship. Can you be there for me through this while I can't give you much in return at this time?

You want me to consent to wha?!?

Yesterday the DH and I spent 30 minutes in the RE office signing our life away. Ok not even just our life but our "unused" embies. We had to make a game time decision if one or both of us die (not fun to think about) what do we do with the left overs. Granted A) we've signed these before and B) in 2 cycles we haven't had any survive to the freezing stage. Still reading the words "If you or your spouse DIES" I'm one of those irrational people that lay awake at night crying, no sobbing, about what will happen if my husband get in an accident at work, gets cancer, gets hit by a bus, gets crushed by a meteor coming to earth! (Have I mentioned I'm not rational) This man has been my best friend for ten years, I met him when I was 16, I grew up with him! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL DO OK! If I could ever crawl out of bed again, can I then decided what I'll do with our potential children. Needless to say it makes ya think. Now lets add another layer to the madness. For us we believe life begins at conception, no matter the vessel in which that conception occurs. I am one of those people that I believe what I believe, you believe what you believe, I won't try to change your mind, please don't try to change mine. So I mean no disrespect to anyone who believes differently and I cast no judgement on you AT ALL! For us though this is what we believe. Let me also say, for us, I feel like IVF is a little in the gray area. Sometimes I have that good ol catholic guilt that I may be trying to play God by getting artificial help with creating a family.  The catholic church's stance on it is God is calling you to adopt. My feeling is God won't punish us for creating a child out of love. We have thought about, prepared for, and prayed for this child. I just can't wrap my head around being punished for that..... but this is probably a wholllleee other blog post. So anyway what it boils down to is we decided that if we die we want what is left over to be donated to science. I know what you're thinking.... but you said life begins at conception. Our thought is again, no one ever makes it to freezing and if they did we will likely use them. We have to choice to change our minds if we do cryopreserve. Also I am a Registered Nurse so I have a solid faith in science. I feel my embryos will better serve as a greater help to humanity by the studying done one them. Who knew we had to think about so much when we started this process?

Now onto the risk section.  So your telling me there's a chance of death! Umm I may need you to repeat that.  I think the actual percentage is less than 1%.  It makes me think of the movie dumb and dumber quote "So you're telling me there's a chance!"

That's a hard pill to swallow. Oh and don't forget the all to familiar OHSS...only had that twice so expect it again.

So basically we just signed the damn things.  My hubby looked at me like why are you freaking out? We already signed these. We didn't change anything right? Thanks babe always putting things in perspective... I guess.

So now we are signed sealed delivered. Start lupron 10/11. I'm going to try to have Llyod's optimism and excitement!

Some supplements to keep in mind

We go to this fantastic holistic center associated with our Fertility Practice called Pulling Down the Moon. They have wonderful articles about supplements to take. My husband and I are taking COq10 and L-arganine in addition to the prenatal vitamins.  My husband is also taking an additional folic acid which is shown to improve sperm quality. Keep in mind the life cycle of a sperm is usually around three months.  This particular article speaks about supplements to enhance egg quality, which is especially important in women over age 35 going through ART. Hope it helps!

http://pullingdownthemoon.com/blog/2011/06/05/supplements-to-improve-egg-quality/

No I am not a drug dealer...I"M INFERTILE!

Count them up ladies... that's 330 pills, 56 subcut injections, 14 Intramuscular injections, general anesthesia, probably a little fentanyl and some percocet, and you got yourself a IVF cycle. Plus or minus a few of course. Not to mention everyday or every other day vaginal ultrasounds(always a good time except for not), blood draws. Oh and how can I forget the dreaded 2week wait follow by the all to familiar BFN. I will say though, general anesthesia will give ya the best nap of your life! So ask me again why I'm so cranky and hormonal.  Does this clear it up for ya :) But as my faithful, reliable hubby always say "If it makes a baby it will all be worth it and you won't remember a single one of these shots.... now bend over here one comes! "

SN: this of course does not include the elcetive accupuncture needles. That's an additional 14 needles a week. But far less stressful. Actually it is the opposite. oooommmmmmm. I'll be giving prenatal yoga a try this time too. Will let you know how that goes (have I mentioned I can barely touh my toes)

Please feel free to share your horrific.... I mean torturous..... I mean positive experiences with ART stimulation. I am always instrested in if I'm the only snarky, pessimist in this process.

And it begins....

Welcome to my blog! I'm new to this so please bear with me as I stumble through technology. I'm one you may call technologically stunted. Let’s start with a brief history.

Me: PCOS (“lean” not ever really sure what that means)
DH: Low count
Together: SCREWED

Feb 2011 IVF#1: Retrieved 18ish eggs, decided we only wanted to fertilize as many as we would use so ICSI’d 12.  10 fertilized. Everyone did well until day 4 then pooped out. Transferred 2 very low quality embies. Surprise Surprise BFN L

May 2011 IVF #2” Changed up the protocol. Started with lupron while still on BC. Also began acupuncture (best naps ever!) OHSS again! But also mild and symptoms were easier thanks to good ol’ Chinese needles. Again with the pooping out my little embies L and again surprise surprise BFN.

Upcoming IVF #3 scheduled for over Thanksgiving. We have been doing acupuncture for 3 months now. So cross your fingers, legs, arms…..EVERYTHING! Mama needs a baby

So that’s the basic in a nut shell….a very small nutshell. But as many you who have gone through this know that is sooooo the tip of the iceberg.

We got married in 2007 (but I was not a virgin bride may be tmi but let put it this way… in the 6 years we dated before we got married I was on BC for 3 months. Clearly I had a sneaky suspicion something was array.)

For a year every month I bought a PT … ok that’s a lie I’m not regular so every time I thought AF was supposed to come I bought a PT. It’s pretty crushing to only see 1 line. I even convinced my Primary care doctor to do a blood test once even though the pee stick said no. Bet ya can’t guess that result.

After a year I was certain something wasn’t right. Even though I was just 23 years old I wanted to get a jump on it. Off to the OB I went.  Clomid was started….i was not what you would call emotionally stable……rinse repeat times 3 months…. No baby. Oh did I fail to mention the OB gave me 3 times the recommended dose (needles to say she doesn’t work there anymore but for unrelated reasons) finally we decided to go see the RE.  Again with the nut shells…. We got test from here to next week and the above diagnoses were made. WHAT A SHOCK! At 23 and 30 years old I thought aww they’ll tell us to go home and just keep trying. Not quite.  They said forget timed intercourse, IUI, anything we are going for the big dogs! IVF PLUS ICSI. I swear I heard cha-CHING. Just in time…I got into nursing school. Anyone who has ever been through that knows you kiss your personal life good bye. At this point we thought ahh what’s another 2 years, they’re giving us a 70% chance. Thankfully I have an amazing, supportive, handsome, husband with a full time job that was willing to support me through achieving my childhood dreams. A month after receiving that RN we went through IVF #1. A million tests, more needles than I’d like to remember, total of 10 days bed rest, 2 BFN’s, and here we are. (Obviously I left a few details out…this is a blog not a novel.)
Now….. IVF#3 looms and I’ll say I’m less than ecstatic and even less hopeful. I have to actively persuade myself to think positive. Thankfully, again with the husband compliments, I have a one of a kind hubby who keeps me going.

Welcome to our Journey! Please feel free to ask questions, tell me to suck it up, encourage me….anybody Bueller Bueller. Even talking to myself helps! Hopefully at the end of this IVF will in fact make 3…or 4!