Don't want to scramble my eggs

I have been feeling so well this stim that I thought I might partake in cleaning my horrible filthy house. I have to admit I haven't dusted in 2 weeks. Don't judge me! Between the dog and the nephew and the ovaries and the job, dusting has been pretty low on the priority list. But when I saw my husband write I love you in dust on the tv I knew it was time. Some girls like diamonds, I thought it was adorable that while looking at our nasty house he thought to tell me he loved me. It was from two days ago too and I just noticed it today. I have to give the hubster credit. The poor guy has been working, going to school full time, taking care of boston, tolerating my insanity, and waiting on me hand and foot. The last two nights he made an emergency run for kit kat bars. Some may think writing in dust is a little insensitive but its just another reason why I love him. And thus I cleaned! I fear I may have over done it though. I only got the main level done but between dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, and washing the hardwood floors I have some aching ovaries. I also got crazy nauseous! Like didn't want to eat nauseous and I usually don't miss a meal. Fortunately I parked it on the couch since 2pm, husbands orders, and feel much better......just in time to go to bed. I wasn't sure what to do with the sharp pain in the lower abdomen. I was scared to use a heating pad but my homies over on thebump.com assured me it was ok. I still skipped, basically because I didn't want to walk up the stairs to get it. Sad but true.

On another note, forewarning I'm going to be bitching for the next paragraph, WTF victoria secret models. How is it even natural to have that body after a baby adriana, meranda, and alessandra (yes i'm ashamed i know them by name but i read alot of usweekley) One of lifes little injustices. They are built like brick shit houses, sleep next to the likes of orlando bloom, AND have babies, lest we forget the paychecks. I felt like busting out my p90x and dusting it off. But lets face it, I got winded wiping my kitchen counters today, so I'm thinking plyo is not in my future for a while. And I welcome it along with a big fat, stretch marked belly, dimpled ass, and heartburn that comes with pregnancy. But G don't think for a second I'll be looking remotely like those freaks of nature post pardumly.... or ever for that matter! Cellulite and stretch marks are sexy right?

On to the cycle update.... Day 100 of stims (if you haven't noticed I have a flare for the dramatics) My E2 was in the 1700s (i still cannot believe this!) I had 2 16s and a 15.5. The rest were 11-14s. I think the count today was 18. It changes every day based on who's doing the ultrasound though so who knows what will get on ER. In tomorrow for another BW/US and hoping I get my 3 18s. They drooped my gonal to 75, kept the menapor at 75, and 10 of lurpon tomorrow morning. I can neither confirm or deny I may have given myself a unit or two extra of Goanl. Who knows if it will help but I'd really like to trigger tomorrow! I'm most definitely coming down with west nile....or just a cold. Either way I have that chesty feeling that no doubt will be followed by sneezing, coughing, sore throat. And guess what! I can't take anything. Yippie! Ok well I can take Tylenol but whippie friggin doo. Who knew one day I'd be hoping to get shot in the ass but here I sit hoping tomorrow is the day. Bring it on 22 gauge inch and a half needle. You and my ass have a date!

What a difference a cycle makes

I am still dumbfounded. This has been the most positive experience with IVF I've had yet. My e2 level was 1200s. I think I've mentioned before I was i the 4000s at this point last cycle. I put in the previous post my follies. I'm still in shock. I will probably not overstim. Thank ya Jesus!! My meds are the same as they have been the whole cycle. They FINALLY know me!! I don't want to put the cart before the horse but hopefully the positiveness of the cycle passes on to a BFP.  I told the nurse today that I was about to pass out because this cycle has been so great. She said well hopefully this will roll into a nice healthy pregnancy. Amen to that sista. I'm so happy because we are planning on definitely transferring as many as they will let us and if I'm not overstim I'm not as worried about multiples. I am so putting the cart before the horse. I hope I don't regret this but.....I think this might be our time!! I have made the executive decision to test every day of my 2WW. I know it sounds insane but I want to test our of the HCG trigger and keep my sanity. I just can't take the thought of waiting for 2 weeks. My theory is I'd rather test and know and have time to mourn then not test and get my hopes up and coming crashing down. I have been there all to often. I even did what I promised myself I wouldn't do. I googled my due date. It seems I like to punish myself. But if all works out I'll have my dream come true by August. Please God I'm putting my hope and trust in you!

Update

Thanks to my insomnia I gave my blog a face lift. I'm not as computer savy as I'd like so it ain't fancy but I like it better :)

Went in for bw/us this am. I did some growing over the last two days. On the right I have 9 follicles, 6 of which are measurable. 10.8 (1) 11s(3) 23.5 (1) and a biggen 14.8. On the left I have 12 follicles, 7 of which are measurable. 11s(2) 12s(3) 13.6 (1) and 14.7.  For the non-IF we are lookin or 3 >18mm for trigger. I go back tomorrow morning. I'm doubtful that tomorrow will be the day but hopefully Thursday I can trigger for a Saturday ER (egg retrieval.) Saturday or Sunday would be great so G doesn't have to take any more time off work.

I'm super excited about this cycle. I have been far less uncomfortable than in the past. I have maintained the same dosage the whole time (so I feel like they finally know my body) I don't feel wicked stressed. I hope this is IT! I'm scared to say it by I actually feel hopeful and positive which is something I definitely did not feel with the last one.

G says to me this morning (after I snapped at him for something stupid) are you going to be nice today? That would be a no! But I am trying if that helps. After the appointment I made him take me for a chicken biscuit from mcd's. It was not an option. The ovaries want what the ovaries want :) Shhh don't tell my acupuncturist.

Now I'm parking it on the couch and watching movies on this rainy day while enjoying my 5th liter of Gatorade in 3 days!

I suck at blogging

Well it's been a crazy couple weeks so I need to catch up. I started lupron a hundred years ago...ok well actually 3 weeks 5 days ago. Have I mentioned Lupron sucks ass! Then I started stims last sunday. Now to catch you up on the in between. A couple day after starting lupron my SIL and 2 yr old nephew go into the hospital as the same time. I'm the nurse of the family so I truck 2 hours to Delaware and stay for a couple days to help out. I come home for a day or two to work then head back. In the mean time my dad goes into the hospital with cardiac issues. By then my nephew was home and I was basically taking care of him all day. Talk about exhausted. With the combination of fertility meds and a two year old I could have slept for a month. My SIL was having complications RT pneumonia and the poor thing had to have 2 chest tubes placed. My brother was running in every direction possible. He's my baby brother (and my fav don't tell anyone) so I offered to take my sick nephew home with me. This kid is on more meds than my patients at work. He has severe asthma and was on 2 nebs a day (of which i had to provide a lolly pop flavor his choice of course just to get him to sit still long enough) on 3 po meds and a nasal spray. UGH it was work for 4 days. He is also a very particular kid and my dad has spoiled him rotten so there was no getting around his requests. So I had to rock him to sleep every night, of which usually took at least and hour and half. Having said that when I dropped him off to go back home I cried my eyes out the whole ride home. For four days I was the sole provider for another human. If not before I know now I HAVE to be a mother!!! Ain't no way around it.

Now as if that wasn't enough.... stage right comes Boston. Our first born, 87 lbs Bernese mountain dog. Love of my life (well at least 4 legged love of my life) The poor baby was diagnosed with a Mast Cell tumor and was scheduled for surgery 11/18. This was of course the weekend I had my nephew. So poor guy is on bed rest and has to be leashed to go potty. My loving, faithful, amazing husband bit the bullet and slept on an air mattress on the living room floor for 2 WEEKS!!!!!! So Boston wouldn't lick at his wound. Well needless to say it didn't work and his wound dehesed (i.e. split open) So we said ok this sucks but we'll get it restitched and everything will be fine. 400 bucks later, one turkey dinner and POP. G hears a pop while watching football thanksgiving. I of course am passed out on the air mattress because of a lupron headache and didn't hear a thing. Well back to the vet we go on Friday. They took all the stitches and staples out and had to let it heal by second intention i.e. fill in with scar tissue. Now he has to go in every other day for dressing changes.... no they are not free. Hopefully by the end of the week they can re stitch again. So the grand total is almost 2000 buckaroos. Love you Boston!

Now to the IVF world. Surprisingly this cycle has not totally sucked... up until yesterday. Hey I'm happy about this. I'm 9 days in, usually by day 4 I'm miserable. I go in this am for a blood work/ultrasound. Hoping for some follies in the mid teens. My e2 levels have been surprisingly low. But i'm a ok with that. No mr. OHSS for me please, I beg of you! I think because all of the other stress in my life I haven't been stressed about this IVF. This one feels so different. I don't even mind the shots. The only reason I'm cranky about it is because this damn headache that won't quite and insomnia (you BIOTCH) has reared it's ugly head. Hence the 0630 blog post. As far as US goes on sunday I had 7 measurable follies. Sure as shit beats to 20 or so I had last cycle. Name of the game this cycle was quality over quantity! Please God let this be the one.

I've been working this cycle to try and keep some of my sanity. Sitting at home for a month watching a baby story is equivalent to a strait jacket for and IVFer. Thank God i have the best manager in the whole wide world. She has been beyond understanding. I don't have to ask her for anything! So I've been on light duty, meaning I play pretend nurse. I don't have to take a 7 patient group. I'm doing mostly admin stuff, starting ivs, passing meds, hanging blood. Easy stuff. No diaper changes for me 400 pound dead weight man. No Not this week! Most people have been understanding and supportive. Just one bitch made the comment "oh i didn't know you had to be on light duty for that." Snarky whore. Sorry I cuss like a sailor. Yes, witch, I can't be lifting 400 lbs pts while you sit on your ass because I might rupture an ovary. Think that might hurt! Good thing she said this to me early in my stims or I would have stabbed her in her jugular with a dull pencil. Ok I probably wouldn't but ya never know with these meds. I clocked my husband for farting in my presence a couple days ago. I didn't even think about it, it just happened. Fart...Punch. That fast!

So I'm calling out of work today because I couldn't sleep and my pants don't fit.... but I'm just telling them I have a migraine (which isn't a lie it's just not the whole truth) The puppy dog is doing much better and we are sleeping in our own bed again, well G is sleeping in the bed i'm blogging because I can't sleep. I go for BW/US this morning and am praying for good numbers. Hopefully I'm getting close. I'm running low on gonal F and turns out by dog robbed me so I'd like to not have order more. And who wants to stim longer tan 13 days anyway.

I'll try to be more dedicated to blogging. I'm off work for 2 weeks now so I'll probably get annoying her soon.

you know you're tired when you fall asleep on  your dogs ass! Bobo's leg is the only Christmas decorating that will probably happen in my house this year. Feliz navidad

Good bye ice cream! We'll always have the memories

So I went to my weekly acupuncture appointment today. Because of my work schedule I had to have someone different then my usual girl. She started asking me all kinds of questions about my diet. Basically it boils down to.... I CAN'T FRIGGIN HAVE ICE CREAM! Why, you ask is this a big deal. Well my friends I'm addicted. I've had a love affair on a nightly bases since I was a wee chap in piggy tails. Apparently the ancient Chinese medicine people believe certain foods make your body hot or cold. During trying to conceive you want a hot body.  No am not referring to a hot in like Pamela Anderson, I'm talking hot like temperature. Sadly enough, turns out ice cream is in fact a cold foot. Also, I must limit my dairy intake to one serving. ONE SERVING! Bye bye my other love, cheese and milk.  How do I make a choice between cheese on my baked potato and my nightly chocolate milk? Not all things you would think are cold are in fact cold. For example wheat is cooling. But oats are warming. So confusing! I can't have any raw veggies or fruit either. All have to be cooked. Why do I even have a refrigerator right now? But, and this is a big BUT, I guess if there is a slight chance it could make a difference, you know I will comply. I may have to cheat though at least one a week with the ice cream. There is just no way under the sun with that much hormones coursing through my blood I will not eat a tub of ice cream in one sitting at least once in the next month. I think I might cry :) Oh and don't think for a second I will be telling anyone else about this other than the DH. I have enough judging going on around me. I don't want to fuel the fire with "hokey" (their words not mine) western medicine. Have I mentioned my life's career choice is in western medicine. They are very snooty about it being the end all be all. So I'll be focusing on my Qi from the inside. Hope it likes the warm, ice cream less, non dairy environment.

Count down until I start Lupron T-37 hours

How to be a supportive: For Dummies

Top ten things  NOT to do when your loved one is going through IVF:

10. We will come to you when we need you. I love that you are calling me everyday during my cycle to be supportive. It shows me you really care. But every time I have to tell the devastation's of today it breaks my heart a little more each time.

9. When I come to talk to you about...it will take awhile. Please don't hurry off the phone or try to change the subject. Believe me I wish I could keep this all to myself and I have been trying. So when I finally do bring it up, I'll have a lot to say.

8. I'm broke! All the extra money I have is poured into a child I don't have yet. How about we do diner at your house instead of out to a restaurant every weekend. I'm embarrassed I can't afford the things I used to and I will likely not tell you that. Just assumes my back account is always empty.

7. Please for the love of the good Lord, do not ask me to watch your child. I love them; I am happy for you and your family; yes they are beautiful and perfect. This is just salt in a wound and a constant reminder of what I don't have.

6. I can find my own people to relate to, you don't have to do it for me. I appreciate you want to help me and this is your way, but telling everyone we know that I can't have a child, and then those people coming to tell me there stories is down right EXHAUSTING!

5. I'm cranky; just get over it. If you had this many hormones running through your blood you may be tempted to lash out at the poor innocent cashier at the grocery store too. You pointing it out that I'm in rare for does not help.  I will rip your head off!

4. Don't make me feel bad for not giving you all the details.... then calling you in tears and making no sense. I kept things from you because it hurts to utter these words but sometimes, like a volcano, i simmer simmer simmer then EXPLODE! Shut your mouth and open your ears.

3.Please forgive me if I cry in the bathroom at children's birthday parties and baby showers and basically sound just down right hateful when I see other people's happiness. How's a bout a little more salt in that wound.

2. For the love of God, D-O N-O-T say JUST KEEP TRYING. I will hunt you down! If it was that simple don't you think I would have tried it already. oh and DON'T WORRY is also off limits. It is so beyond condescending. and that's all I have to say about that

1. When and if this does happen for me, Yes, I expect the world to revolve around me and my growing belly for a while. So please, even of someone else in the family is pregnant, give me a little extra love. I waited a long LONG times for this. If it doesn't and I move on to adoption, don't act shocked and please refer again to rule number 2.

Thanks! I know you love us and you truly want this for us. Follow our lead on this supportive thing, we will let you know what we need. Often times open ears and closed mouths is all it takes. I'll be a bad friend for a while but this is the true test of our friendship/relationship. Can you be there for me through this while I can't give you much in return at this time?

You want me to consent to wha?!?

Yesterday the DH and I spent 30 minutes in the RE office signing our life away. Ok not even just our life but our "unused" embies. We had to make a game time decision if one or both of us die (not fun to think about) what do we do with the left overs. Granted A) we've signed these before and B) in 2 cycles we haven't had any survive to the freezing stage. Still reading the words "If you or your spouse DIES" I'm one of those irrational people that lay awake at night crying, no sobbing, about what will happen if my husband get in an accident at work, gets cancer, gets hit by a bus, gets crushed by a meteor coming to earth! (Have I mentioned I'm not rational) This man has been my best friend for ten years, I met him when I was 16, I grew up with him! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL DO OK! If I could ever crawl out of bed again, can I then decided what I'll do with our potential children. Needless to say it makes ya think. Now lets add another layer to the madness. For us we believe life begins at conception, no matter the vessel in which that conception occurs. I am one of those people that I believe what I believe, you believe what you believe, I won't try to change your mind, please don't try to change mine. So I mean no disrespect to anyone who believes differently and I cast no judgement on you AT ALL! For us though this is what we believe. Let me also say, for us, I feel like IVF is a little in the gray area. Sometimes I have that good ol catholic guilt that I may be trying to play God by getting artificial help with creating a family.  The catholic church's stance on it is God is calling you to adopt. My feeling is God won't punish us for creating a child out of love. We have thought about, prepared for, and prayed for this child. I just can't wrap my head around being punished for that..... but this is probably a wholllleee other blog post. So anyway what it boils down to is we decided that if we die we want what is left over to be donated to science. I know what you're thinking.... but you said life begins at conception. Our thought is again, no one ever makes it to freezing and if they did we will likely use them. We have to choice to change our minds if we do cryopreserve. Also I am a Registered Nurse so I have a solid faith in science. I feel my embryos will better serve as a greater help to humanity by the studying done one them. Who knew we had to think about so much when we started this process?

Now onto the risk section.  So your telling me there's a chance of death! Umm I may need you to repeat that.  I think the actual percentage is less than 1%.  It makes me think of the movie dumb and dumber quote "So you're telling me there's a chance!"

That's a hard pill to swallow. Oh and don't forget the all to familiar OHSS...only had that twice so expect it again.

So basically we just signed the damn things.  My hubby looked at me like why are you freaking out? We already signed these. We didn't change anything right? Thanks babe always putting things in perspective... I guess.

So now we are signed sealed delivered. Start lupron 10/11. I'm going to try to have Llyod's optimism and excitement!