We Graduated!

We are no longer patients at the Infertility Clinic! For a lot of years, I thought we would never be able to say it. That word, Infertile, has defined a large part of your lives for the last 4 years. Now, I'm just a pregnant lady! I get to go see a regular OB just like everyone else. I also have to go to a High Risk OB, which means more ultrasounds; who'd complain about that?

The babies are looking fantastic! Everyone was still saying how "perfect" they were. Not my words but I sure like the sound of it. Baby A was measuring 8weeks and HR was 167; Baby B was measuring 7weeks5days and HR was 174. The most exciting news was they said there is a possibility they may be identical. This never crossed my mind since we transferred 3 embryos. But we transferred them early enough that one could have split. The reason they say this is a possibility is because their sacs are so close together they can't tell if it is one or two sacs. Either way it's pretty cool!

We also like to look up what is growing and changing each week so here's what they say....
"An ultrasound done at this stage should show a fluttering heartbeat. Elbows begin to form in the arms and fingers start to develop. The leg buds begin to show feet with tiny notches for the toes. The face continues to change as the ears, eyes and the tip of the nose appear. The intestines start to form in the umbilical cord. Teeth develop under the gums."
Less like a tadpole, more like a human! I like it!

As far as we go; I'd like to smack whoever named it morning sickness. Lies!!! It's all day, all night sickness. Apparently, when you have two in there symptoms are magnified. Club crackers and ginerale are my main source of nutrition. I was looking forward to the ms being over by 12 weeks, but from what I hear from other twin moms, it's likely to last until 15. So I've already asked for some Zofran to help that situation out. It's hard to hide the belly already. I still have nightmares from the day I googled how big twin pregnancy bellies get. Geo I think is suffering from some sympathy pain. His stomach has been bothering him all week too. But he is so good to me. At 8 last night we made an emergency run to McDonalds for a cheeseburger and carmel sundae. (did I mention I ate double portions of meat at dinner just an hour before...hey when you  can tolerate food you eat!)

Without further adieu here are the munchkins. The picture isn't so great because they are getting to big to put in the same picture. But Baby B is on the left and his/her head in facing down. Baby A is on the right and head is facing to the right.

What a day

We are sad to say last night my mom called and told us grandpop cini did not make it through his surgery. I loved him so much and some of my best childhood memories were with him. We went crabbing, he taught me how to make gnocchi from scratch, and my first driving lesson (at age 11) was from him. We knew there was a chance he might not make it through surgery because his heart was so weak, but I was really hoping he would make it. My mom said he was ready and in good spirits going in. I'm so glad we got to say goodbye this weekend and tell him I love him and also tell him about the babies.

When my mom called, I got up off the couch really quickly. I doubled over in pain in my abdomen. It hurt so bad.  I was worried at the time but was able to go back to sleep. I decided to go into work this morning, but walking in I still had a lot of abdominal pain. I started thinking about horror stories I had heard about miscarriages. Of course the first time someone asked me how I was doing, I broke down into tears. Fortunately I work with an amazing and supportive group of women and they immediately picked up the slack and I went home.  Soon as I got in the car I called the doctor and they told me to come right in and get an ultrasound. I have never been more afraid. Geo was in D.C. and couldn't come, I'm pretty sure I gave him a heart attack though. Fortunately he was able to be on the phone when the doctor came in. Immediately the tech said there were 2 heartbeasts. Phew! Talk about relief! I don't remember how they were measuring but Baby A's heart rate was 138 and Baby caught up and heart rate is 132. They doctor, tech and nurse kept saying how perfect they looked. Boy have they done some growing! You can see their heads and body shape. Right now they are back to back and look like best buds :) Needless to say mama and daddy can breathe....for a little bit.  The doctor assigned me to the couch for the rest of the day and thinks I either pulled a muscle or my left ovary is giving me some trouble (which isn't that new).  We also talked about my 12 hour shifts. She wants to see how I feel next week but I could tell she was happy about the idea of me being on my feet for 12 hours. Like I said I work with a great group of people, but I still feel bad for having to rely on them so much. It's surprising to me how infertility has changed my view on pregnancy. I've wanted to be pregnant for so long, but now I want it to just be over. Not because the actual pregnancy sucks but I'm just so worried. I just want to see their faces and know they are ok. Please forgive me for being a nervous wreck for the next 30 or so weeks.

Here are our little one's! They have grown so much in just a week! I still couldn't hear their heartbeats but  I could see the flicker. So cool!!

7 weeks

WoW I'm terrible at updates! Truth is I can barely keep my eyes open most days. Might have something to do with the fact we are having TWINS!!!!! I lovingly refer to them as my 2 piece mcnugget. We had our first US last wed at 6w3d. Both babies were measuring 5w6d which our RE assures us is normal. We couldn't hear the heartbeat because the frequency was to low. But Baby A's HR is 115 and Baby B is 105. I also started a new blog so my family and friends could follow us http://2bs-in-a-pod.blogspot.com/. I'm at a crossroads of what to do with this blog. I feel like I'm having an identity crisis. I feel so intertwined in the IF community but know I shouldn't over stay my welcome. I certainly don't want to cause other women and pain by seeing my success. At this point I'll probably keep updating this blog until they are born then stay strictly with the new blog. I thank all of you out there for your support. It has truly made all the difference!

Drumroll please!!!!! Let me introduce my mcnuggets!!

Beta 2

1650!! We are very excited. Unfortunately we had to celebrate in the hospital with my dad. On Christmas eve he came to visit and looked terrible. I'm a nurse so I immediately knew something was up when his legs and abdomen were swollen and he was having shortness of breath. Long story short his heart is in very bad shape. He gets this from a lot of years of treating his body like crap. He is a uncontrolled diabetic who never goes to the doctor has uncontrolled hypertension, and now his heart is only working at about 30%. He will go for a cardiac cath tomorrow and may need to be flown out to Johns Hopkins. Fortunately, because of my pregnancy, (yes I pulled out do it for your grandchild) he is getting medial attention he desperately needs. They said he could have dropped dead any day. SO, this Christmas has been very bitter sweet. I'm definitely concerned about the stress this puts on my pregnancy. But to day was a good and reassuring day. My dad was happy. He did make the comment if anything happens to this pregnancy he will blame himself. I know for a fact it won't be his fault and I'm almost more worried about how he will react then myself if something terrible does happen to the baby. I'm praying for a speedy recovery for my dad and many years with his grandchild(ren)!

Merry Christmas TO US!!!!

302! 302! my friends. What you ask, does that mean? Wel1 that means I'm KTFU! I've got a bun in the oven. God (and our RE) gave us the very best Christmas present we could ask for. I wish I had the self control to not tell people, especially because I'm under no illusion this means 9 months from now I'll have a baby. I know we have a lot of hurtles to get over, but for this minute I'm living in the moment and pure joy of saying "I'm pregnant!"

We went into the deep dark layer of hell we never go to.....the baby section. Except for now it is heaven. We just couldn't help ourselves. We were saying we are going to pick stuff like this and definitely not stuff like that. It was so friggin fun! DH said when he was at the mall he stopped and watch a pregnant lady on the carousel. At first I was like eew creeper, but he said he couldn't tell me what she even looked like. He was just fixated on the belly and daydreaming of things to come. How cute! I broke down and bought a belly band. I'm not going to lie, old body image issues die hard and I'm embarrassed of my growing belly. Mostly because I feel I shouldn't be showing anything. I know most of it is bloat. The only way I can describe it is I know it's belly fat and bloat but I just don't have the energy or ability to suck it in quite like I used to. I feel like I've done one to many ab workouts. I have been feeling a lot of pulling and stretching of which I'm told is ligament pain.

We told my SIL and MIL today. We will tell my parents on Xmas. IL live in Maine so we didn't want them to find out through the grape vine. Plus his family could really use some good news. We lost his dad this year to cancer and it has been a craptastic year since then for them. They needed this. We told my MIL we mailed her xmas presents up but there was one we couldn't give her until August. She said oh that's fine (totally didn't click) My husband says mother..... then it clicks. We laughed, we cried. She thanked us! She really needs something to look forward to.

I'll be telling my parents via a picture frame that says grandchild and pictures of the pee sticks. I'm sooo excited to see my mom's reaction.

I'm scared to death we are jumping the gun by telling people. I'm a planner though so my back up plan is to designate one person in each family and my boss at work to send out a email to let the masses know something bad happened and we don't ever want to talk about it. I know that probably sounds depressing but I have to be prepared for the worse and hope for the best.

4 Weeks
Symptoms:  fatigue, ligament pain, fatigue, random nausea, did I mention fatigue
Best moment this week: Getting that number. I was hoping for something in the 100s so 302 was amazing! 
Food cravings: Pizza. I've literally ate it every damn day for a week.  
What I miss: There really isn't much. OK that's not true, I miss having days off from when I was stimulating. 12 hour shifts are really hard!
What I am looking forward to:  Telling my parents! It was great to tell my MIL and SIL but I can't wait to tell my mama. Is it weird I hope she cries lol
Next Appointment: Next tuesday for beta 2
Milestones: Well I think we have hit one major milestone in becoming pregnant. I honestly never thought it would work. I don't think our RE did either. When our nurse told her she couldn't figure out who she was talking about. I know she knows who we are, I just think she didn't think it was possible. God works miracles!

Can we say bloat!!! But I'm not complaining. Bloat makes baby :)

The evidence

I still can't believe this is happening. I look at these little guys several times a day. Hubby says he makes more frequent trips to the bathroom to look too. Beta is Thursday and I have to get it drawn at work (I work at a hospital.) It will be soooo hard not to look up the results, especially because they are written stat. But I want to be home and listen to the message with my main squeeze. Until we got the YES on the digital I don't think he really thought it was real. Now that I've accepted it my mind, I'm finding it hard to not drop it in a conversation. I almost spilled the beans to my mom last night but I want to wait until Christmas. I have told some people at work. They all know what has been going on and it's harder to lie to people you see everyday. Plus there are certain kinds of patients I can't take anymore (oh darn!) I think morning sickness might already be starting to kick in. I'm not throwing up or anything but I'm definitely a little more queasy than normal. I have a wicked sensitive stomach so just thinking about getting sick makes me sick. Bring it on baby(ies)!!! Mama is just so glad you are here I'll throw up for the whole 9 months if that's what you want. We love you already!!

They are definitely darker in real life. I'm now 13dp3dt and haven't peed on anything since 11dp. I'm getting the urge :) Walmart here I come!!

Marking my territory

I'm peeing on everything! Let me explain...
The last few days, I won't lie, I've been close to the edge of that deep dark place all infertiles go as they prepare for the loss of yet another failed cycle.  There are no words in the English language to describe the pain of a loss of something that was never there. Needless to day I was a Debbie downer. I made the decision to start POAS (peeing on a stick for you non infertiles). So I started about 2 or  3 days after ET. I wanted to insure if I ever say 2 lines it wasn't my trigger shot. Well needless to say I was getting pretty used to seeing the all to familiar lone line.....until last night.
Hubby had to work late so we were going to grab a bite to eat when he got home. I of course was in a pity party on the couch and could barely gain the strength to get up.  He called when he was about 5 minutes away. So, marking my territory, I went and POAS. I made a conscious effort not to look at it. I set it on the counter, went and fed the dogs, let them out, filled their water bowel and got ready to go. I was going to look at it before I left and throw it away somewhere secretive so the DH didn't know of my secret. I felt like a drug adict hiding my stash. HOLY SHIT!!! I went in to see it. My eyes bugged, I held it at every angle possible, but there was NO denying there was a second line.  Just as I looked at it I heard DH petting the dogs at the fence.  Like a crazy person I ran, not walked, R-A-N outside waving a stick still wet with urine screaming Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, and ran back inside, then back outside.  I swear I could see DH holding his breath. He said he doesn't even remember coming through the gate. I swear I will NEVER forget that look on his face! We got to have our moment like any other normal person. It was a complete surprise, spur of the moment POAS. Needless to say we floated to dinner. Giggled the whole time. Went and got more sticks to pee on. And BLARED Queen's "Under Pressure" the whole way home. I'm under no illusion this means we will have a baby in 9 months. I'm more scared now then I have ever been. BUT that was by far the happiest night of my life!!!!

This AM I POAS again (of which I will continue to do every morning until beta day 12/22) and by God the line is still there. Just a shade darker but still there. I of course am up at 0430 googling everything pregnancy related.

Like I said, I know there is many miles to go. But for now, I'm taking the simple pleasure in seeing my very first second line. I am hoping and praying every minute that the line gets darker and we get good numbers. I feel like we have taken the first step to climbing Mount Everest, but we're not at the bottom any longer baby!!

I fully expect to come home from work today and see my best friend, the best man I know, mah baby daddy, surrounded by baby clothes he has been waiting to buy for 4 years. I'm so blessed!