Beta 2

1650!! We are very excited. Unfortunately we had to celebrate in the hospital with my dad. On Christmas eve he came to visit and looked terrible. I'm a nurse so I immediately knew something was up when his legs and abdomen were swollen and he was having shortness of breath. Long story short his heart is in very bad shape. He gets this from a lot of years of treating his body like crap. He is a uncontrolled diabetic who never goes to the doctor has uncontrolled hypertension, and now his heart is only working at about 30%. He will go for a cardiac cath tomorrow and may need to be flown out to Johns Hopkins. Fortunately, because of my pregnancy, (yes I pulled out do it for your grandchild) he is getting medial attention he desperately needs. They said he could have dropped dead any day. SO, this Christmas has been very bitter sweet. I'm definitely concerned about the stress this puts on my pregnancy. But to day was a good and reassuring day. My dad was happy. He did make the comment if anything happens to this pregnancy he will blame himself. I know for a fact it won't be his fault and I'm almost more worried about how he will react then myself if something terrible does happen to the baby. I'm praying for a speedy recovery for my dad and many years with his grandchild(ren)!

Merry Christmas TO US!!!!

302! 302! my friends. What you ask, does that mean? Wel1 that means I'm KTFU! I've got a bun in the oven. God (and our RE) gave us the very best Christmas present we could ask for. I wish I had the self control to not tell people, especially because I'm under no illusion this means 9 months from now I'll have a baby. I know we have a lot of hurtles to get over, but for this minute I'm living in the moment and pure joy of saying "I'm pregnant!"

We went into the deep dark layer of hell we never go to.....the baby section. Except for now it is heaven. We just couldn't help ourselves. We were saying we are going to pick stuff like this and definitely not stuff like that. It was so friggin fun! DH said when he was at the mall he stopped and watch a pregnant lady on the carousel. At first I was like eew creeper, but he said he couldn't tell me what she even looked like. He was just fixated on the belly and daydreaming of things to come. How cute! I broke down and bought a belly band. I'm not going to lie, old body image issues die hard and I'm embarrassed of my growing belly. Mostly because I feel I shouldn't be showing anything. I know most of it is bloat. The only way I can describe it is I know it's belly fat and bloat but I just don't have the energy or ability to suck it in quite like I used to. I feel like I've done one to many ab workouts. I have been feeling a lot of pulling and stretching of which I'm told is ligament pain.

We told my SIL and MIL today. We will tell my parents on Xmas. IL live in Maine so we didn't want them to find out through the grape vine. Plus his family could really use some good news. We lost his dad this year to cancer and it has been a craptastic year since then for them. They needed this. We told my MIL we mailed her xmas presents up but there was one we couldn't give her until August. She said oh that's fine (totally didn't click) My husband says mother..... then it clicks. We laughed, we cried. She thanked us! She really needs something to look forward to.

I'll be telling my parents via a picture frame that says grandchild and pictures of the pee sticks. I'm sooo excited to see my mom's reaction.

I'm scared to death we are jumping the gun by telling people. I'm a planner though so my back up plan is to designate one person in each family and my boss at work to send out a email to let the masses know something bad happened and we don't ever want to talk about it. I know that probably sounds depressing but I have to be prepared for the worse and hope for the best.

4 Weeks
Symptoms:  fatigue, ligament pain, fatigue, random nausea, did I mention fatigue
Best moment this week: Getting that number. I was hoping for something in the 100s so 302 was amazing! 
Food cravings: Pizza. I've literally ate it every damn day for a week.  
What I miss: There really isn't much. OK that's not true, I miss having days off from when I was stimulating. 12 hour shifts are really hard!
What I am looking forward to:  Telling my parents! It was great to tell my MIL and SIL but I can't wait to tell my mama. Is it weird I hope she cries lol
Next Appointment: Next tuesday for beta 2
Milestones: Well I think we have hit one major milestone in becoming pregnant. I honestly never thought it would work. I don't think our RE did either. When our nurse told her she couldn't figure out who she was talking about. I know she knows who we are, I just think she didn't think it was possible. God works miracles!

Can we say bloat!!! But I'm not complaining. Bloat makes baby :)

The evidence

I still can't believe this is happening. I look at these little guys several times a day. Hubby says he makes more frequent trips to the bathroom to look too. Beta is Thursday and I have to get it drawn at work (I work at a hospital.) It will be soooo hard not to look up the results, especially because they are written stat. But I want to be home and listen to the message with my main squeeze. Until we got the YES on the digital I don't think he really thought it was real. Now that I've accepted it my mind, I'm finding it hard to not drop it in a conversation. I almost spilled the beans to my mom last night but I want to wait until Christmas. I have told some people at work. They all know what has been going on and it's harder to lie to people you see everyday. Plus there are certain kinds of patients I can't take anymore (oh darn!) I think morning sickness might already be starting to kick in. I'm not throwing up or anything but I'm definitely a little more queasy than normal. I have a wicked sensitive stomach so just thinking about getting sick makes me sick. Bring it on baby(ies)!!! Mama is just so glad you are here I'll throw up for the whole 9 months if that's what you want. We love you already!!

They are definitely darker in real life. I'm now 13dp3dt and haven't peed on anything since 11dp. I'm getting the urge :) Walmart here I come!!

Marking my territory

I'm peeing on everything! Let me explain...
The last few days, I won't lie, I've been close to the edge of that deep dark place all infertiles go as they prepare for the loss of yet another failed cycle.  There are no words in the English language to describe the pain of a loss of something that was never there. Needless to day I was a Debbie downer. I made the decision to start POAS (peeing on a stick for you non infertiles). So I started about 2 or  3 days after ET. I wanted to insure if I ever say 2 lines it wasn't my trigger shot. Well needless to say I was getting pretty used to seeing the all to familiar lone line.....until last night.
Hubby had to work late so we were going to grab a bite to eat when he got home. I of course was in a pity party on the couch and could barely gain the strength to get up.  He called when he was about 5 minutes away. So, marking my territory, I went and POAS. I made a conscious effort not to look at it. I set it on the counter, went and fed the dogs, let them out, filled their water bowel and got ready to go. I was going to look at it before I left and throw it away somewhere secretive so the DH didn't know of my secret. I felt like a drug adict hiding my stash. HOLY SHIT!!! I went in to see it. My eyes bugged, I held it at every angle possible, but there was NO denying there was a second line.  Just as I looked at it I heard DH petting the dogs at the fence.  Like a crazy person I ran, not walked, R-A-N outside waving a stick still wet with urine screaming Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, and ran back inside, then back outside.  I swear I could see DH holding his breath. He said he doesn't even remember coming through the gate. I swear I will NEVER forget that look on his face! We got to have our moment like any other normal person. It was a complete surprise, spur of the moment POAS. Needless to say we floated to dinner. Giggled the whole time. Went and got more sticks to pee on. And BLARED Queen's "Under Pressure" the whole way home. I'm under no illusion this means we will have a baby in 9 months. I'm more scared now then I have ever been. BUT that was by far the happiest night of my life!!!!

This AM I POAS again (of which I will continue to do every morning until beta day 12/22) and by God the line is still there. Just a shade darker but still there. I of course am up at 0430 googling everything pregnancy related.

Like I said, I know there is many miles to go. But for now, I'm taking the simple pleasure in seeing my very first second line. I am hoping and praying every minute that the line gets darker and we get good numbers. I feel like we have taken the first step to climbing Mount Everest, but we're not at the bottom any longer baby!!

I fully expect to come home from work today and see my best friend, the best man I know, mah baby daddy, surrounded by baby clothes he has been waiting to buy for 4 years. I'm so blessed!

ET

Today was the first ET I didn't cry in. I will be honest, I have been a debbie downer for the last couple days...i'll give you a time line
Sunday- egg retrieval 16 eggs retrieved. I felt GREAT!
Monday- my RE called with first FERT, only 7 fertilized. I'll be honest I was shocked. We had ICSI so I thought more would fertilized. Hence my debbie downer phase begins. I talk to the RE about possible day 3 transfer instead of day 5. I was terrified we wouldn't have any left by then. She agreed to re-evaluate Tuesday night.
Tuesday- my nurse calls, we already lost one embryos and the ones left were barely dividing at this point. Later that evening I spoke with the RE, by that point we had one 5 cell, one 6, brand the rest were 2-4. My hope was a little restored. I was hoping that 5 cell was our take home baby. RE agreed to do day 3 ET with 3 embryos. YAY!!! For some reason I just think this gives them the best chance being in the mother ship!
Wednesday- ET. Hubby and I decided to go have a nice lunch and do a little xmas shopping (which was so fun and kept my mind off of things AND i had the best mac and cheese of my life!) I went to acupuncture before (And after) and had the ET at 4pm.  The doctor was a little weird. He sounded like the guy on roller skates from austin powers. This was the first cycle where we got good news at the ET. My hubs and I were in good spirits and joking and laughing while waiting. So they Doc came in and talked to us about our embies. We still had a total of 6. We transferred one 11cell and two 10 cells. At first the Doc said they don't grade anymore!?! But after he left I asked the embryologist to come back and explain the quality. She said they were all "good." I of course said define good! She said they were like a grade A. They were dividing well and had no fragmentation. Which seems awesome! I'm cautiously optimistic. The only negative was the doctor came in and said "I know you have talked to dr. E and decided to transfer 3. So you know the risks and agree to reduce if you get pregnant with multiples." ERRR hold the phone pal. No I did not agree to that. Yes I'm aware of the risks but I will definitely not be reducing anything! My RE is aware of all of this. Fortunately after showing me some reading material he was satisfied and did the transfer. I don't know what the Hell he was doing down there but I've never had such a painful ET. It felt like he had some of my lady bites pinched. I left a mark on my hubbys hand from squeezing.
SOOO.....Now my 3 amigos are in the mother ship. I'm praying to God for some baby dust, sticky vibes, all of the above. I will be happy with 1,2,or3. I won't lie I am afraid of 3 just because of the complications but what a blessing anything would be. Again, it's in God's hands!

Here are my 3 amigos! Can't wait to meet you babies!

I will be anxiously awaiting my 1st Beta 12/22. But I will be POAS starting Friday!

Sweets

I'm so lucky to have such a great hubby. The other night I was sitting on my permanent perch... the couch. He came over with his lap top, sat down and said listen to this song it made me think of you. When I heard the first few lyrics I was like wha? but then it gets better. IF sucks but I could not have asked for a better person to go through this hell with.

Not the official video but you get the idea :)

We did our trigger at 230am!!! We are scheduled for the transfer Sunday at 230pm. Sunday we will make a baby! I really want to take this one home and make the best man I know a daddy.

Pulling the trigger!

Oh yea baby! Today is the day I get my ass shot! Sunday my hubby makes love to the cup and we head in and make a baby with our RE. Hopefully we make several beautiful babies! I went for bw/us today and had several mature eggs, I think the count is up to 13 measured mature. I decided I wasn't going to obsess over all the numbers this time so I'm just going off memory. It's funny that whenever my husband and I talk about this, we always refer to the pregnancy in the plural form i.e. if this works the babies will be here by august. I have always felt like if this happens for us we will have multiples. I know there is complications with multiples and I lose sleep over thinking about if we do get multiples how we would manage, would I go on bed rest, how will I configure the cribs in the small only other bedroom we have and on and on. But last cycle I had the most vivid dream about having two twin girls with bright red flower bows in their hair. They even had names, Ella and Melanie. It was such a vivid dream I woke up and actually had to tell myself they were not here it was just a dream. My dreams to God's ears! I cry when I start to think about my husband with kids, especially daughters. No one will love them more then their daddy. I am more optimistic right now than I have ever been on this journey. I hope my optimism manifests into reality. How sweet to get a BFP the day before Christmas. My mom said the other day "'m using my Christmas miracle wish for those babies." She even thinks of them pluraly! Having said that I will take what ever God gives me. I know one day I'll be a mother so I'm putting my trust in Him.